(Non)Dancing Queen

ABBA is likely the last group I would be expected to like (and I don't love them, but they are good fun and perhaps underrated as artists), but this song struck me lately.  The lyrics are kept somewhat vague as to the "You" (the music video takes the obvious romantic angle, though I don't necessarily believe that means they intended the song to be interpreted that way).  It's actually a bit clever - I would assume most would interpret it as a romantic song, but the mood of it suggests to me that it's something else.  Maybe someone looking back on their life before crossing paths with someone who would irrevocably alter their life - maybe sung from the other side of a breakup.  But I think the song could also be taken to mean something else other than a person.  The reason the song has been in my head off and on for several months is because I have formed a personal interpretation of the song to be referring to an affliction.

A little over a year ago I had a strange feeling in the palm of my right hand.  It was about the size of a quarter.  It's hard to explain what it felt like - it was just a sensation.  I had tripped going up a nasty set of stairs and fallen forward onto my hands; it wasn't a hard fall, but I assumed the feeling in my hand was from that.  I've always been clumsy.  That feeling lasted a couple of months, and was more annoying than anything else - it wasn't painful, or particularly concerning, and it didn't interfere with my life.  Then, over the course of about a week, the feeling spread throughout my hand until my entire hand - and eventually my forearm all the way up to just shy of my elbow - had this feeling, and then very quickly it progressed to my losing the vast majority of sensation in my hand and forearm.  I went to urgent care, got x-rays, all came back fine.  As a few more days passed, I basically lost most of the use of my right hand.  I described it as feeling like placing my hand into the wet sand on a beach and pulling it out with sand caked on my hand that blocks sensation and feels, for lack of a better term, rough.  There was no pain.  It was then assumed it was either muscle pinching a nerve (I was pretty tense at the time) or a problem in my spike, such as spinal stenosis.  I got sent for an MRI on a Friday, and on Monday I was given the news that I had multiple sclerosis. 

Where I am with MS is called "clinically isolated syndrome."  There are no other symptoms in my past that can be linked to MS.  I have had symptoms that could be MS, but there are other explanations for those things so the doctors and I are of the assumption that those other explanations are true, so we consider this one "attack" to be my first symptom.  That is good news of a sort - many people go years before a diagnosis, especially if the person has relapsing-remitting MS; the symptoms go away as the body heals the damage to the nerve, and the symptoms generally then also retreat.  Not without some lasting issues, though.  Scar tissue on the nerves inhibit the nervous system from working at full capacity.  Like if you had a damaged wire or hose - it may still work, but it won't work as well as it did before the damage was done.  (Not a great analogy, I know.)  As the issue cleared up on its own - I have not yet been recommended to take MS medication - I went through a brief phase of spasticity in my hand (which spread into my left hand occasionally as well), but after several weeks it completely cleared up.  But some problems remain.  Namely, I had to relearn coordination.  Because the nerve leading to my hand and arm was damaged and now has scar tissue on it, it's...lopsided?  For lack of a better description.  So getting my hands to work in tandem is still a struggle, though it is improving quite well.  Playing guitar - which my doctor considers part of my physical therapy - became a frustration.  Keyboards too.  I'm not a virtuoso, in fact I am not well versed in music theory nor do I have a great deal of knowledge as it comes to scales and things like that.  But I have been playing guitar since I was 12.  Keyboards were a more recent thing for me, but I learned well enough to play what I want to play.  Now I have to relearn those things.  Having to relearn guitar especially is maddening.  But, this is the hand I was dealt, and I'm not going to give up on playing and writing - it is just hitting snags. 

In a week or two I go in for another MRI, this one much more extensive.  I have not thus far seen a scan of my brain.  Only my spinal cord.  It would be dishonest to say I am not scared of what we might find. 

Like my interpretation of ABBA's "The Day Before You Came," MS has created a dividing line in my life, a sort of BC and AD - before MS, and after MS.  I suspect the MRI will reinforce that feeling.  Like the protagonist in that song, I often think about my life before the MS took hold.  In a strange way, my life is far better now, in general, than it was then.  I plan to fight to continue that trend - I'm not discouraged or considering slowing down my writing and musical project.  It has been made that much more difficult for me, and is making it slower going than I would hope (not that I work quickly in the first place), but forward is the only direction I know how to go in. 

Hopefully soon there will be some news on that front.  I may ask some of the incredible musicians I know if they would like to / be willing to collaborate in some small ways.  No matter what, I keep going.